It's been three days since we had any form of interaction. We're both stubborn and that's bad. None of us is initiating a move, even though I know we are both dying from the inside, waiting for the other end of the line to say something. Anything. Might not be enough, but not be the right time, but anything would do. I know.
I also know we are both crying ourselves to sleep. I know we are faking our smiles to get through the day. I know we both are regretting our last words, wishing we could take them back. I know if we could apologize, we would. I know if we could fight for each other like we used to, we would. But what is it that's stopping us? That, I don't know.
Is it pride? Is it what's holding us back from apologizing? Is it what's keeping us from taking the first step? No? Then what? What could it possibly be? Conscience? Deep down we are convinced that the other person is wrong? That the other person is 'supposed' to say something first? Have I done something wrong? Yes I have. I have broken a promise. Have you done something wrong? Yes you have. You have broken a promise. We both promised forever, and now this word is no longer in our dictionary, it has vanished into thin air.
Do you think, maybe, if we both apologized at the same time, it would be okay? If we both step on our pride, throw a middle finger to our conscience and apologized, it would be okay? I don't know, but what I know is that I haven't wanted a person in my life as I have wanted you, want you, and will want you.
Maybe I am not the best at making things clear, but I miss you. Maybe I am not the best at showing what's inside me, but I love you. Maybe I am not the best at doing a certain act, but I wanna hug you so bad right now. Maybe I am not the best at stating a point, but I want you forever. And I realize that I am not the best person to share a life with, but for you, I will try.
I don't promise you change, because it is my given right that you love me the way I am, with my good and my bad, with my blessings and my flaws, with my pretty and my ugly, from attitude to behavior; I don't promise you change, but I promise you I can work on my bad, I can alter my flaws, and I can modify my ugly. And you? I love you. I love your bad, I adore your flaws, and I appreciate your ugly. Why? Because I am in a position where I am willing to share my life with you.
I may be dreaming, I may sound like I want a fairytale, I may be asking for something magical.... But I deserve it. Exactly like you deserve it, exactly like everyone else in this mad world deserves it.
I realize I made a sudden decision, which I enormously regret, and I am ashamed of what I have done, but maybe, just maybe, it's a sign to show you that you deserve better. It's a sign to tell you that you deserve a person better than I am, with less bad, flaws, and ugly. It's a sign to clarify your clouded judgment, a judgment clouded by love; a message that says you are a wonderful, magnificent, glorious and a marvelous person.
I have no clue how to initiate the first move, I have no clue how to take the first step, I have no clue how to justify my actions, I have no clue how I can ever make you forget what I have done, I have no clue how to apologize, because you have no clue of the vast guilt that is being held upon my fragile soul. But for what it's worth, I am sorry.
